Here’s My Story…

my essence in life Here's my story...

As many of you know I lost my daughter a little over a year ago this August.

And many of you found encouragement through the notes and letters I constructed during these past months, and for that I am encouraged, and I am glad also if what I presented was helpful.

Sometimes through tragedy you find unimaginable strength and courage from within and you drive forward. Somehow I was able to do this.

But there are some realities here that I must and want to share with you all.

You see I have not always been a strong and encouraging individual in my life all the time in the last year. And the strength I did receive did not come from external things - books, recordings, alcohol - that made me able to keep going.

Nothing from this external world made the pain of losing my daughter go away.


Here's what did make a difference.

I am just like millions and millions of humans living in a pseudo reality always feeling a sense of lack, or that I'm needing more…

What's interesting to me, though I am feeling less and less like this every day, I still pick a fight to make enemies. Why do I do this? Because I feel at times an insatiable need to define myself as "ME" against "THEM," keeping my distance emotionally so I can secure me need to be "RIGHT and the other side "WRONG."

I would literally approach my day asking, "What can I be in conflict with today?"

What can I complain about or make someone else feel less adequate right now so I can feel a little bit more like myself?

After I ask these questions and the answers start returning back to me, I inevitably say to myself, "Ah . . . there it is!"

And so when think about the millions of humans live like that - the way I was living - the result is a dreadful tale of incredible suffering to ourselves and to others.

In my opinion this is the collective consciousness that people are experiencing presently. And, to me anyway, it seems to be a form of collective mental illness.

This is how my life, and maybe yours too, unfolded:

My life . . . sounds funny, but until recently, after people told me I was important, it could be looked upon as one complete disaster.

Seemingly nothing actually ever worked out for me . . .

I tried one thing that interested me when I was child and eventually gave it up, then my parents moved in high school and I lost the possibility of playing soccer in college, I tried college for a few years and gave that up, then I found a job and did that for a awhile, yadda . . . yadda . . . yadda.

I went into a "Do this and that" type of existence. Before I knew it I was in my 46.

It was all a story. Then I lost my 13 month old daughter Chelsea to a drowning accident last year when I was 46. It was then I came face-to-face with my "life's story."

My story to this point in my life was not a complete failure, but it definitely wasn't something to write a book about. Long story short, it wasn't going in the direction I really wanted. Not even close! Maybe you've had a similar experience?

Here's the message: A failed story can produce a flower.

The flower of consciousness if you like. Did you know that here are flowers that will only grow in mud? How amazing is that? We live in a world of cultivation, where we are told we have to plant it and it we create the right conditions - fertilize and soil to help things along - we will reap the reward at harvest time.

But then you have this beautiful flower growing only in slimy, sticky and smelly mud! But somehow it happens.

Maybe the same is true with failed stories, and perhaps the flower of consciousness needs the mud we create in our lives in order for it to grow and blossom?

If what I'm going to get is a beautiful flower out of my life's mud, then is stands to reason to ask this question. Is there anything more beautiful in life than a failed story?

If that's the case, then that's good news!

If you think about it every story ultimately fails. It has to because a created story can only be identified with form. Simply put . . . form never last for that long. Even forms we see as standing the test of time - mountains and streams and buildings, even the forms that are beautiful like Michael Jordan dunking a basketball - will eventually crumble and not stay.

All forms are temporary, and realizing this is the first key.

The second key is this . . .

The essence that is hiding in each form is a person's life. And that essence is what's indestructible and enduring.

When you realize your essence is transparent - a stillness, presence, being-ness, and a deep sense of "I AM" - and is beyond form, you realize the preciousness of your being, and your true specialness.

What the unconscious, egoic self is looking for is always on the level of a story you create in your mind. And that story says " I want to be special." Obscuring the fact that you could not be more special than you already are.

The egoic scenes of being always wants "More than him" or "More than her." It doesn't look for the "Specialness" in the beauty and preciousness which is the essence of your being. It rather wants to identify itself with external images and ideals. Deep down, a person knows that there is something precious about "me." And it's true! But they confuse that feeling and try to identify it with the billions of thought forms around them.

That essence of being - which is formless - gets mixed up with our thoughts and we create a story in our mind, and we identify with the illusion of the "The Fictitious Self."

"The Fictitious Self" can only exist through thought or physical form.

However It's not real. It's just an illusion.

The expression you may have heard, "To lose oneself in some form…" means that if you are in this state you are suffering. You don't know who you really are. The problem is that people are directed to go looking for these forms. They try and they try in hopes that what they find will somehow give them an identity.

In general people fail to realize that form will not magically make your true essence appear. Form cannot do this. Your specialness you have, and are looking for, already exists in the essence of who you are.

Finding your true essence is really like a strange board game, where in order to win the game, you have to cross the finish line in the present moment.

In the physical level of form is part of life and there's nothing inherently wrong with having possessions. But keep in mind eventually all your possessions dissolve away. When you are looking at finding who you are on a spiritual level, however, where your eternal essence lies, these forms you accumulate will not give you the answers.

You are already a full expression of the one life. Your life. You are already complete. On the level of the "Timeless."

Because to be who you really are you don't need time. To the vast majority people you know - your Mom and Dad, your brother or sister, your neighbor, your co-workers - this concept is meaningless. To many people they think all they need is "Time to figure things out." They need to continue looking for themselves. And they will continue to be frustrated in their search.

And frustration is part of their larger design. Frustration is built into human existence and, if you follow this example further, frustration will drive you deeper and deeper into identifying who you are with the forms you come in contact with even more.

As you progress in this frustrating journey, collecting more and more forms, you're thinking, "Now . . . if I can just get enough of these things, it will be easier to eventually identify who I really am."

To do this process successfully, you need to have a lot of time. Maybe a Life's time. Unfortunately for you, if you stay on this journey, your time eventually runs out. In essence your time is wasted and you gain nothing in the end.

Consider this: In order to get to the essence of who you are you need to transcend out of time - let it all go - and into the present moment, where there is no time.

Even when everything seems to be going really well for you. Your job, your living situation, your finances - all seem to be clicking. You don't have a care in the world it seams, but remember with "Form" it eventually all crumbles away to nothingness, so your good moments will - eventually - go away.

t's in the nature of form that nothing in form stays for very long. This is why humans experience life as a series of frustrations.

"Why can't it work?" they ask themselves.

The reason it doesn't work? It's because people are unconsciously looking for what they want and need where the grass always seems grow greener. They don't look in the "Here and now."

"All I need", they ask themselves, "is this or that from there and my world will be good again, and I will finally find my sense of self."


Then what always usually happens?

Their thoughts start going into a spiral. They start thinking, "There's something wrong here! Life is not working!! It seems to be working for everybody else but not for me. God I hate my life!!!"

FACT: The world cannot make you happy.

To demand that it should make you happy and provide for you will only lead to one certainty: you'll be frustrated along your journey.

Striving to collect forms to complete and identify who you are really are is all vanity and is all meaningless. When you see this as the truth, then you become free of Form's grip.

What before was a dreadful story of frustration, you suddenly step out of your own story and see that your own frustrating story is not your personal dilemma, but the human condition.

And it's this human condition that is still unconscious and is still in an un-enlightened state.

This human condition - striving to answer your questions in life by using form - really is your perception of who you are. And, unfortunately, that's what you cling to.

Now you know better. Now you can step out of this unconsciousness state - and observe it for what it really is - a fallacy. Now you can allow that "Inner You" - that true essence of who you are - arise out of that unconsciousness and into the light.

This light of awareness will reveal to you how form has trapped you. But now you can lift yourself out of it's grip. You can stop looking to the world and its forms to help you find who you really are.

Be present. Be whole again.

That's my story now…

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